I don’t have kids – but that doesn’t make me a bad Father.

I have looked at kids and I have looked at the adults that kids inevitably become and nothing I have seen in either species has given me good reason to want to stop ejaculating on my wife’s breasts.

Kids are as annoying as being stuck in a hot car with the windows up listening to that Jamie Theakston breakfast radio if the show consisted only of his links and the car insurance ads. And the adults that kids become are basically people like me – and I’m a selfish cry-baby white man who expresses himself through ‘opinions’ about the world around me that I know nothing about. Does society need more of me? Fucking hell – I’m bored of me. And for someone bored of a subject I sure do think about that subject a shit load. Me. Me. Me. Me. I don’t know if it’s just I or do you also share this crippling sense of self-importance? (that’s obviously rhetorical.)

There is one reason I think having a kid would be a good idea: Having kids forces awful spoon-fed, dick-smokers like me to change the subject and end the feedback loop of self-absorption. It would be like a holiday to not have to think about myself for more than 60 seconds let alone for 18-years.

So with that in mind maybe my next pitiful sparrow sneeze of an orgasm will be aimed at my wife’s brat-motel instead of her tits.

The other thing I need to reconcile about having the little pussy-wreckers is this: I’ll be dead in the next 5 years. I have treated my body like a haunted amusement park since I started having disposable income and it got worse from the moment I got a mobile phone and drug-dealers phone number. I have smoked and I have drunk things - so many things and, when it comes to sex, lets just say my arsehole hasn’t been strictly exit only. So I give it 5 years (7 tops) before my body pulls back the curtain to reveal dick cancer or a heart attack or one of those strokes that melts your face and makes your family’s life hell (which is worse than proper death).

This (very welcome) death would subsequently leave my poor kid or kids fatherless and without guidance. So, in the interests of being a good father, here are 5 pieces of advice for them from beyond the grave.

Daughter: Most of this advice will be about avoiding sexual mishap. Because you’re my daughter and you’ll probably be a slut.

1.     Get awesome at hand jobs fast: Seriously. It’ll stop dudes from trying to rub their filthy Lynx smelling boy-boy’s all over you and stop you from having that pregnancy-chic look at school. No dude is going to stop you from doing it and as soon as they’ve cum they’ll leave you alone… and probably just leave. You alone.

2.     Everything you say or do with a teenaged guy will go in their wank-bank: remember that when you’re eating a banana in public or holding onto the pole in a crowded tube carriage.

3.     Never go out with someone older than you until you’re in your twenties: And once you’re in your 20’s only go out with dudes older than you. Guys in their twenties are fucking douche bags.

4.     Never date a guy who owns a snake or keeps wet wipes by his bed: Does this need explanation?

5.      Don’t lie to your mother: You want her in your life because she’s cool as fuck and you haven’t proven yourself to be cool just yet. Learn from her then inflict yourself on the world properly.

Son: You’re a dude so you should be fairly bullet proof. It’s mostly about the friends you choose, the way you handle yourself when you’re wasted and your personal hygiene.

1.     When forming your crew think about Scooby Doo (Youtube that shit). You want that amount of diversity. A stoner, a gay jock, a bookish lesbian, a hot blonde and you – Scooby. This will make your parties fun when you’re young and your shared holidays bearable when you’re middle aged.

2.     Drugs are fun: Do ACID about 10 times and stop smoking pot at 25. Ecstasy is AWESOME (the clue’s in the name - it aint called ‘QUITE-GOOD’) and Coke is best mixed with booze, porn and sex.

3.     If you’re Gay lean into that shit early: Being in the closet is gay and not cool. Being Gay looks like it’s super fun and not gay (the word ‘gay’ gets used wrong all the time). Your Mum won’t give a fuck and neither will anyone else. Most people are only worried about them selves (see intro).

4.     Don’t learn Caipoera: It’s for attention seeking idiots and you’ll get your face smashed in if you try to fight someone with that Zumba noise.

5.      Keep you fucking room clean: Make your bed everyday and keep your room mould free. It’s nice to come home to and makes people respect you a little more than the next little prick.

I love you, Dad.

@olivertui