Happiness Buffet

No one’s always emailing me asking – “Hey Oli, what’s the secret to happiness?” And I choose to believe the reason I get zero emails like that is because of all the self help books out there. Everyone’s reading one. So I’m in the spirit, bitches! Although mines less of a self-help book and more of a ‘No Other Cunt Wants to Help Pamphlet’.

Wade in sad and come out drenched in happiness you fat, broke, lonely, lost, diseased loser.

Don’t Procrastinate:

Act now. Action that terrible fucking plan ASAP. The key to life I am discovering is what I’m calling THE LURCH. There’s specific momentum that occurs when one lurches from on3 self made crisis into a self imposed disciplinary phase back into breaking a soon forgotten rule into a full blown panic and freak out. If you can involve other people in your shit  -more the better – having your fucky little life collide into theirs like comet made by Fiat will really give your life shape. Sure, it’ll be the shape of David Cameron’s dead kid’s head – but it’ll be a shape.

Stay Positive:

Great advice unless you’re reading this from an AIDS ward.

Your physical Appearance:

Why does the way we look matter so much? We have a myriad ways to communicate and to differentiate ourselves. We have never been more connected to information, opinion and culture. And it’s never mattered less. Bottom line: If you’re not conventionally good looking starting hunting out a subculture.

Well Fat women have hope because everywhere there’s a fat chick there’s a black dude with a fat dick. Those dudes don’t care! That song ‘baby got back’ it seems like it’s just indiscriminate back. It’s not shapely back – just back. It’s back with an empty swimming pool in it with a drowned fox rotting in the 6 inches of water at the bottom. So fat chicks are cool. Fat dudes: that’s tough. No one is really fetishizing you guys. There aren’t female ‘feeders’ unless you count the women with such low self esteem they try for the heart through the stomach. A sure way to make a man subconsciously think you’re his mother and a sure way to be treated like a prison cell mate in the relationship. Fat men just look like giant toddlers who shop at Gravy Gap – some people are still saying it’s their glands but seriously – How many fucking glands are you eating every day?

Also: Pick a hair cut and try to get good at asking for it. The shitness of your request is directly proportionate to the tardiness of your mop. I should know: I look like an over zealous, racist policeman after a night of beating whores with a mag-light.

Money:

Simple. Some people are richer than you – some are poorer than you. The key here is to ‘compare down.’ Don’t read those fucking magazines HELLO or GRAZIA and don’t go to central London. Read ‘Readers Wives’ on a bus in Croydon.

Suicide:

I think the general rule here is ‘don’t do it’. But come on. If you’re over 40 and God took a shit on a pile of fleas and called that your life then who really gives a fuck? Now it’s just about two choices. How much clean up do you leave behind? Was the final straw something to do with your wife having an affair with the married dude at her work? Then shoot the dude in the spine and then blow your brains out all over his kids! He’s paralyzed and they have ‘issues’. For example… If not then swallow some pills and lay down in a pine box. If you’re a teenager or a child then that truly is a waste. If you’re a teenager who’s ready to die there are all sorts of opportunities out there for you that can benefit others and some of them don’t involve slipping things into your arsehole on a webcam. 

Sentimentality:

10 minutes in the past. 10 minutes into the future. That’s the way to live. You don’t see many unhappy retards do you? People with Downs are always smiling. Live like a fucking Wildebeest. Wildebeest have a kid. The kid gets chased down and eviscerated in front of them and they’re eating grass 10 minutes later like nothing happened. They are the toughest vegetarians on the planet.

What other people think:

No one is thinking about me or you. This is both the cause of our problems and the salvation. This is the only benefit of being a fucking NOTHING CUNT.  People are thinking about celebrities and having an argument in their heads with some prick at work – replaying it but changing what they said to what they wanted to say, “Fuck you Sandra with hairy lipped bitch. I hope you get tit cancer!” - instead of swallowing their coffee flavoured saliva and their pride and letting the words, "Sure I’ll get right onto that” slide out of their weak mouth which is only good only for giving half arsed blow jobs to a bored just stiff enough spouse with the 10’oclock news still playing in back ground - talking about gassing Syrian children.

No ones thinking of you. No one gives a shit. You’re free! You wanna be a homosexual who only fucks men dressed as women – brilliant. You wanna collect dolls heads – get on Ebay, Ken!  You wanna be a cowboy? Take that noose from the ceiling and turn it into a lasso! You wanna be a CEO of your own company. Put the stationary order in now. It can happen! You can be happy. You can be what ever you want.*

*That last bit is bullshit. Most of you are fucking talentless you can BE a taxpayer and then a dead person.