The Only Good Celeb Is A Dead Celeb

The other week I went to Primrose Hill Fete. Full of rich white people ( a demographic I am very comfortable in) and celebs. I did a bit of celeb spotting. We all have a celeb spotting story don’t we?

“I saw Leona Lewis taking out a tampon at Bungalow 8.”

Or

“ I saw Rod Stewart eating chips on the Night Bus.”

(Both true stories)

On this occasion, I spotted Pixie Geldof daughter of Bob Geldof – lead singer of the Boom town rats and the Live AID guy who helped stop the spread of AIDS in Kids in Africa by distributing condoms to children or something…

Anyway, I saw Pixie Geldof in the boys toilet at a pub it was busy and girls take ages in the toilets – which is weird co girls don’t Poo. Not like men anyway. My wife’s shit is so fucking clean you could wash your face with it or use it as hair gel or eye drops.

She was putting powder on her nose and I guess she was worried about it being off ‘cos she kept smelling it. So I spotted this Celebrity. This daughter of a rock star. And look I don’t begrudge Bob his FAME but Pixie is CELEBRITY. Not famous but a celebrity. Big difference.

Famous people have done something. Celebrities – nothing.

Obama could never be a Celebrity… or Osama for that matter. Because Osama actually achieved something. He got something done. He accomplished something. He can go to bed at night knowing he made a difference to the world. The world is different thanks to his actions.

But celebrities are famous for being famous. Or famous for being good looking. Even worse. They really had nothing to do with that. That’s just a happy accident like… a retard with freakish strength.

But celebs are everywhere and everyone wants them. I personally would hate to go out with a celebrity.

Celebs are so un-sexy. But they act like it’s all about about sex. They all wear these high heels and underwear to clubs and do stipper pole work-outs it’s all sex sex sex… but there’s no sex.

The only time there’s sex is when three footballers gang rape a 19 year old in a hotel room. And that’s more a team building exercise than anything to do with sex.

But they try don't they? Celebs TRY to be sexy all the time. There’s nothing more un-sexy than someone trying to be sexy. Have you ever had someone try and talk dirty to you? That’s an art.

You either repeat your self. Get stuck in a groove:

You say stuff like: “I’m gonna fuck you. I’m gonna fuck you. Im gonna fuck you.” You sound like Tony Soprano talking to a guy who owes him money.

Or you panic and try and be imaginative. Try to be expansive and kinky. Difficult to do. You say stuff like:

“I… I… I…. I… want to watch you mother take a shit on the tube!”

Too much info. Too specific. You’re right. Specifics aren’t sexy. They kill passion kill. Saying something like Fuck my pussy – that’s fine. But fuck my vagina is too far.Something Porny – like, “Fuck me daddy fine… “Fuck me Dad.” Not fine.

No? never happen to you?

You see sex is so personal. It’s private. It’s not for everyone to see. It’s not made like that. Nobody should see you do it. Somethings are meant to stay private… But not to people who want to be celebrities. They go out of the way to make everything public.

Including sex. And especially sex. It’s how some people have BECOME celebrities.

There are sex tapes of celebrities everywhere. Has anyone here seen one?

The only porn you can watch openly at your desk at work. In the middle of the day… It doesn’t matter who sees.

“Hey everyone! Hey it’s Jordan’s sex tape. You can call all the people over to your desk.

Hey! Guys. Come on. I just got Pamela Lee and Tommy Lee screwing on a boat.

And then someone says. Look at the size of that! And then someone says. Look, he’s driving the boat with it. And then someone says I’ve never seen boobs like it… And everyone is laughing and you’re at work and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t count…. Ha. Ha Ha. And then someone says… can I go to wee-wee … and you look up and remember that you are a… Kindergarten teacher.

But it’s true. People who don’t watch porn watch celebrity sex. Even parents.

At home. Have 5 minutes. Have a bit of ‘Me’ time. Oh hello. Who’s this minx in the hotel room. With the possum eyes. Oh. You start to lend a hand. Now it’s a long distance 3some… and then Boom she turns around and it’s your daughter.

There you are standing in your Hilton robe – because it’s your HILTON and it’s your daughter, Paris… Oh No!

You’d go from ready – to spaghetti!

BTW - As a father seeing it once is fine - watching it any more than once is a problem.

But people watch celebrity porn because it’s like watching Frogs fuck. It’s almost devoid of any sex. You feel nothing. You don’t FEEL anything. But we still watch.

And some people say they don’t

You say no – but you’d watch. We all would. I know that because Magazines sell.

More women than men though. These magazines. Hello, and Heat and Grazia… I see young on buses staring at these magazines like a dog stares at a sausage…Or an out of town business-man looks at a stripper. Or like a soldier in Afghanistan - stares at his leg while they carry it to the chopper.

Sorry that’s a bad analogy… But I use it to make a point about the way celebrities keep us from the issues…

Maybe I have it wrong and it’s good.

Maybe it’s just me and when I see buses filled with pregnant 17 year olds reading the Economist – then I’ll know we are really fucked.

Before: Celebrity magazines and celeb culture there were freak shows all over the country that whole families would go to. Where people would look at acts of gruesome violence - you know? Tortured people . And mentally ill people babbled in strange tongues and said the most ridiculous things and told stories that couldn’t possibly be true…

You know? Churches.

Now we follow celebs in place of Jesus. Ashton Kutcher on Twitter – the first man to crack 100,000,000 followers. Has 4,960,067 followers right now. He follows 546 people. Doesn’t that say it all? At least the religion and the Church makes an effort to reach out and touch us. Especially the Children… Especially the children.

That’s why I think the whole thing is ridiculous…

But I guess there’s always an exception to every rule. There are a some good celebs.

Some people who other celebs could look to for guidance and to see what they could be doing to make a difference to culture. If they were all like this the world would be a better place. My top 5 celebrity role models for other Celebrities:

1. 1Britney Murphy

2. Corey Haim

3. Malcom Mclaren

4. Jacko

5. Jade Goody