I Superpoked Jesus

J.C. Can I call you Jimmy? I hope you don’t mind being Superpoked like this. I figure it’s like a modern prayer except I’m not going to ask you for anything. No “cure my child of Cancer” or “Please Jesus help me not to love cock so much.” None of that. I just thought I’d just write to you and have a chat.

I was going to ask to be your friend but I don’t know what that entails. I’m pretty busy and I’m not sure being your friend leaves a bloke with much time. Also, I have a feeling that you’d say yes to me because you’d pretty much say yes to anyone. That’s the thing when you give your ‘love’ away so freely. Herpes… and the general devaluation of ‘Love’. Maybe there should be a disciple button for you - that would be worth something. Jesus has 100,998, 985,334,235,112 friends but only 12 disciples… Actually 11 if you count old Judas topping himself.

Let’s talk facial hair. You’re a beard guy right? I wonder what you think about Goatees? I have seen some pictures of you with the Prison Pussy flashing on your grill. Is that still how you roll? These days a beard like yours sort of symbolizes madness. You always see movie stars grow one when they are just so sick of being so damn good looking! It’s kind of like camouflage for them… But , like camouflage, when you are in a nice bar it actually makes you stand out. It must be tough to have people bite your style the whole time and not be able to smite the shit out of them – come on it’s me – you can tell me. You’d love to get your smite on wouldn’t ya! Or is smiting more of your dad’s deal?

Speaking of your dad. I’m confused about a couple of things. When people pray – are they praying to you or to Pops? Some people seem to worship you but as far as I can make out you were just a dude. Sure you healed the blind but my Uncle Andy healed his Cocker Spaniel (Ferocious Freddy) of conjunctivitis and that’s kind of the same thing, right. So I guess I’m asking are those people wasting their time with you. Are you more like a PA who makes sure God gets his messages and his Starbucks (made from real stars)? In which case can I wait until He’s out of his meeting and talk too Him direct. Thanks.

Also heaven: Okay is it like this. When you die your soul goes to heaven right? Does your soul look like you when you died – like a ghost and in which case is it as old as you are when you died? You know how ghosts are little kids or old dudes with their heads cut off? Is heaven filled with predominantly old people and one or two drunk drivers who are BORED? Also who baby-sits the aborted feotuses? Is that why you are so anti that shit? And are you wearing the same clothes the whole time you are there. That would suck balls if you died while operating the back of a horse in a Pantomime. I think you should lax those rules. It seems that it wouldn’t be ‘Heaven’ if I was wearing the wrong shoes for the pants…

What’s up with Mel Gibson?

 One last thing: If I see your image appear on a piece of toast but I’m really hungry is it cool if I eat the piece of toast?I’ll try not to sin today…Umm,  Okay can we start from NOW because I was ‘surfing the web’ a little bit before I poked you. Keep your head up and remember to get your tetanus booster shots.

 Your Pal, Oliver