Wrap Star

You can tell a lot about your dealer by the way their wraps look.

The one that's made from Lottery tickets:

If that's not screaming out at you that you are basically taking a huge gamble and the chances of you actually buying cocaine are about 1 in 129,008,009,000 then I don't know what is.

The ones that come in the covers of glossy woman's mags:

Go round to a girls house and see a stack of coverless Marie Claires and you know you are looking at a prime time strawberry. This is a girl who watches her man fold his deals up and, waits for him to finish and rubs her gums all over the coffee table while she sobs and masturbates at the same time. The sound of ripping paper elicits a Pavlovian saliva response and their pupils dilate like when you bring a North Korean political prisoner out of solitary into the light.

The messy ones:

That dude is taking key-bumps out of all the wraps as he drives around in his rented Golf. He deals because it's the only way he can pay for his shit. look in the car - are there food wrappers on the floor? No. That's because the last meal he ate was last Wednesday at 4pm and it was a finger dipped in a Nutella jar. The other reason those wraps look like a Cerebal Palsy art student folded them is because the dudes hands are shaking like a black and white minstrels hands at the end of a song.

The Russian Origami master:

The neat, nicely folded, perfectly square envelopes that look like the symbol for email you see online. These guys drive cars leased under their mothers name that have baby seats in the back, even though they don't have kids - they use kids to sharpen their knives on.

These dudes are mostly Eastern Bloc and have lost a close family member to radiation or old age... 45-years-old. Don't ask for credit cos credit dismembers. The stuff is shite BTW. perfectly white shite - the BNP of the drug world.

The plastic bag:

At least you can see what you are not getting. I'd like to say that these guys are more honest than the wrappers... The one benefit about the plastic bag is that your coke won't get wet when you drop it on the piss-swamp of a floor in the shit-hole club (if you're under 30) or pub (if you're over 30). And another is you can, at a glance, see how long it's going to be before you have to duck out to the ATM and make that embarrasing call to the guy to come back to meet you a second time. They are like hour-glasses of doom.

What ever wrapping your poison comes in you know that nothing beats the high that abstaining from drugs gives you. That amazing feeling of sobriety and self control. That is the true high. it really is - the best drug on earth.. And that drug comes in the same wrapper everywhere you go.

Smugness.