The Panel Awards – An Award For The Un-Awardable

This week the award goes to the inventor of the Strap On.

The dildo itself has been around for ages. There are Aztec cock-rocks dating back for 1000’s of years. But that’s not we are awarding today. We are awarding the creative leap that took the handheld model and made it arse powered.

Men are born with their own stimulation simulator . It’s called a hand and by simply making it into a fist it can simulate the sleeve-ish design of the vagina. And by putting the hand into a pot of hot water for a while and using some simple goose fat the petals of a rose you can… Never mind. The point is, men didn’t need to design something to simulate the vagina. Men are also selfish and wouldn't be thinking of designing something to give women pleasure.

This leads the enquiring mind to believe that the Strap On was designed by a woman.

Some dudes think it’s a dangerous invention. A slippery slope that will end up with men considered superfluous and relegating us to history. That is a ridiculous notion. Who do you think owns the factories that make the things? Chinese MEN!

Far from being a divisive tool, I believe the Strap On helps us better understand each other. It lets women see what it's like to be a man. It is an equal opportunities sex toy. When a woman straps one on she gets to experience what it is like to hump like a dude. To know the sheer effort that is involved in the male side of humping.

If you ask men how long their average sex session lasts and you ask women, you get a totally different answer. On the whole men think the ordeal takes 40% longer than a woman will. That’s because Men work so much harder. When was the last time you heard a woman say, “oh oh oh stop. I have the stitch?” Sorry lady, you’re not sweating – that’s dude sweat that happens to be dripping on you. I think the male orgasm is the body thinking it’s going to die out of sheer exhaustion and signalling, “Breed! For fucksake! Breeed!” And then its that sneezy feeling you get and SPLAT - abandon ship. Then panting. Wretching. Pleading and promising to yourself that you will never put yourself through that again. Guilt. And then a sandwich. The great news is: Women can now experience this near death experience every time they make love.

The next thing they can experience is the terror of being monotonous with their stroke technique. They will have to come up with all different variations. Different speeds and different depths. The 8 Shallow One Deep. The Nervous Elk Takes A Drink (Where the head darts into the lake and back out just as fast), The Square Peg In The Round Hole (that usually ends the session right then and there), and the ‘Out Of Control 18 Wheeler Crashes Through A Pet Shop Window And Kills All The Puppies’… personal favourite of mine.

These things are definitely for women only though. Men wearing them is just weird. It doesn’t make sense. It is like a tiny piece of the universe has turned inside out or something leaving us all yelling, “I can’t see eyes…”

If one wore a strap-on while fucking, and still had his cock intact, it would feel like one had just had dentistry on ones cock. Like when you eat too soon after a filling and it feels like someone else is chewing but you are tasting. I’m not sure I see the point in that.

Equally it seems weird when you see women giving them blow-jobs. I can see why you would do it if you were in a porn film – that’s obviously for the dudes watching at home – but I wonder if it actually happens in Lesbian relationships? On a Wednesday? Do lesbians suck on Strap Ons. It seems a little anti feminist to me.

I wonder if the strap on is a basic piece of kit or if the extra faffing around with getting it ready makes it more of a special occasion piece?

I wonder if lesbian couples use their Strap Ons to gauge whether or not one of them has gained weight? “Oh nice one Barbra – adding another hole to the strap? I take care of my self – you could at least do the same.”

I wonder if Lesbians wearing one ever keep their socks on.

I wonder if they have names for their Strap On’s like Men do with their cocks?

I wonder how fucked up I’d have to be to paint tits on back and turn my bum into a vagina?

Anyway. Congrats Mrs Inventor of the strap on. Now go fuck yourself.

PS: I think an Estate Agent took the photo of that lady with that thing on her. I don’t know why… It just has that feeling about it.