No great man once said: “Questions are the fire that burns down the forest of lies so we can farm the cattle of discovery and eat the steaks of truth.” But one could have - if the great man was retarded. What no great man meant when he didn’t say that is valid though. Questions are important. Curiosity is what drives us, as a species, forward.The problem with being a curious species is that we always have questions. The problem with questions is that they need answers or else the asker becomes frustrated and starts to whine in a nasal sounding voice.
Bob Dylan is a frustrated man. Three decades ago he sat down and asked the world some questions. Eight simple questions. Those questions have never been answered. Until now. Mr Dylan, here are the answers to your 8 questions:
Q. How many roads must a man walk down- before you call him a man?
A. Roads have nothing to do with becoming a man. It has been said that to become a man you have to have had your arse kicked, kicked someone’s arse, have your heart broken and break someone’s heart. When I heard that I though that sounded pretty straight forward… Nobody told me that the afore mentioned four criterion should ideally involve four different people… I’d like to apologise to Stacey Peters and I hope that the blindness in your right eye doesn’t stop you reaching your dream of being a flight attendant. Sorry.
Many cultures have specific ceremonies that males of a certain age have to go through before they can be called a man. In certain African tribes the youth have to sleep with Hyenas or be circumcised with the bullet of an AK47. In one Pacific Island the boys climb giant towers and leap off the top of them with vines tied to their ankles and when the crowd parts the leapers are either men or men who can’t feel their legs. In white-people culture there is an ancient and harrowing experience called getting a mortgage. I remember my mortgage ceremony like it was yesterday. It involved me speaking to people called ‘lawyers’ and other people called ‘mortgage brokers’ and then giving the bank a huge, ongoing sacrifice only to be told a year later that I was ‘losing money’ because the house I bought was ‘over-valued’.
I walked down one road to get my mortgage - So ONE it takes ONE road to be called a man.
Q. How many seas must a white dove sail - before she sleeps in the sand?
A. A sailing dove. Great. Now we have to compete against animals in the sporting arena? Well we’re fucked. I don’t care if you are Micheal Phelps – he’s never going to out swim a fish – not even a sprat. Saying that, the addition of animals to the Olympics might be a good thing. Releasing a tiger shark in the pool would make people swim faster. A pack of rapid dogs would get the 100 metre record up and skeet shooting would be a lot more fun if we launched live baby pigs into the air (called Skeets) and watched them explode when the shells hit.
However I hate to break it to the dove. The Sands, Las Vegas has been closed for years… We could get the dove a room here. But it’s probably not what the dove had in mind when he set out on his yacht.
Q. How many times must the cannon balls fly – before they're forever banned?
A. Do cannon balls explode? I always see things like Pirates of the Caribbean and the things BLOW UP like Israeli cluster bombs. I don’t think that happens. Aren’t they just big lumps of lead that hit things? Like wrecking balls without chains attached. They seem quite innocuous compared to today’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction. I think the world would be a better place if we still used Cannon Balls - that’s just a giant game of high stakes ball-tiggy. We could have rubber building and maybe wars could be based on a points-per-hit system rather than the current Children Bleeding Out Their Eyes system that seems to be so loved by everyone. The first one to hit 12 buildings wins. I like that more than the first one to systematically destroy hope for 12 generations wins.
Cannonballs should never have been banned.
Q. How many years can a mountain exist
before it's washed to the sea?
When you talk to a geologist about the erosion of mountains by water you soon realize… ZZzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ… ZZzzzzzzzzzz… Hey come here Ewok lady why are you running away? ZZzzZZzzzz… Okay Gordon Brown I’ll try your chocolate cake with eyes… ZZZzZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZz… My teeth are all falling out and it’s your fault Queen of the Clover People… ZZzzzzzz…
Q. How many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be free?
A. I think this one depends entirely on who the people are. Raping murderers? Lots of years. I always wonder why it is that prostitutes always get murdered by these serial killers? I think it’s because the prostitutes will get into cars and go anywhere with people. But Foxtons Estate agents will do the same. They’ll follow you anywhere and they all have their own cars. It’s also true that their screams of anguish sound like old time R&B to the rest of humanity so killing them with a power tool ends up sounding like someone doing a spot of D.I.Y while singing some Al Green. No one would even blink.
Q. How many times can a man turn his head
pretending he just doesn't see?
A. We’ve all done it. Seen someone coming your way down the street and then pretended to look at something else quickly. LOOK in the widow of that shop! There’s a sale on adult nappys! WOW! Then they just walk passed. Whew.
For me that moment is bitter sweet. What if they saw me and did the same thing. Oh great. Now I start thinking about what’s so wrong with me? What have I done that makes people want to pretend they didn’t see me in the street. What? What is so bad about me that made you pretend to be scraping some dirt off your tee-shirt and turn your head pretending you just didn't see. What is so wrong with me?! Tell me! Tell me, Dad! TELL ME!
Q. How many times must a man look up
- before he can see the sky?
A. It really depends where the man is. Say he was on the top floor of a 10 story building and he looked up. He’d see ceiling. Then he went down to the 9th… Ceiling. The 8th… ceiling… the 7th… ceiling. Etc etc . Until he get outside. Then he’d look up and see sky.
So in that case – 10 times.
Q.Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have before he can hear people cry?
A. This is trick question. We can only ever have two ears unless you are growing a spare ear - which is possible but frowned upon at present. Anyway, I think it would be better to grow a tail. A skin tail that could work like a monkey’s tail. It would be great for reaching things, pressing lift buttons when your hands were full and it would open up a whole new genre of erotica involving and starring just one person - tail gating.
Q. Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
that too many people have died?
A. The four biggest killers in the world’s history. Stalin, Hitler, Pol-Pot and Rappers. Stalin killed between 20-60 million. Hitler between 6-7 million. Pol Pot killed 2 million. And rappers - the worst of all – have killed more than heart disease and accidental tennis deaths put together. Lil Bow-Wow alone claims to have ‘bodied’ at least 100 him self and he is only 9-years-old. I bet that if Stalin, Hitler and Pol-Pot were still alive they’d be in a rap group together bustin’ caps and stacking bodies. They’d be called M.M.P (Mass Murderin Posse) and make M.O.P look like kindergarten teachers.
Check itunes for their fist single: Lets Spark It (Ovens).
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
(Actually, the answer is above.)
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