I know I’m getting old because… No.1

I know I’m getting old because I fall asleep on public transport a lot. This is embarrassing, dangerous and once or twice illegal.

It’s embarrassing because I’m not doing the night shift to earn a few extra bucks to put my kids through school so they can have a better life – a life without sacrifice. Not like my life where often, I would go to the fridge and there wouldn’t be any milk… So I’d have to write ‘get milk’ ON A LIST so that mum would buy it when she went to the shops next time.  

It’s embarrassing because I’m not out all night doing coke at A-list events with Peaches, Apple, Bookcase, Minute-hand and the other kids of famous parents who have now become famous by association and now all secretly wish they'd get dick Cancer or Oral AIDS or something so they could talk of their pain... since re-hab doesn't even make people blink anymore.

It’s embarrassing because my life is exhausting me and writing this is probably all I’ll do today.

It’s also dangerous. How many times have you heard that story where someone wakes up and their liver is gone and they have a Post-it-note stuck to their head telling them to call a doctor then they look down and they have a scalpel-made vagina cut into the side of their stomach? Lots... I have woken up once or twice with a post-it-note stuck to my head with the words, ‘your liver hates you’ written on it but never one that informs me my liver has been stolen – but that shit could happen to me if I keep falling asleep in public. Dangerous.

Also, I’m beginning to think that sleeping in public might be rude. I propose a new rule: Anything you do more than 80% in the privacy of your own home you don’t do in public.

Legality: It’s illegal because I get fierce 'Travellers'. I get hard-ons when I sleep on public transport. Last year I woke up in between to American tourists with my cock trying to bust through my pants. Put two teenaged girls in their place and I’m on the next episode of To Catch A Predator. 

It’s also not great when you have a hard-on and you have been mumbling “Come here you… Hold still…  No… Put the tennis ball back in your mouth." And you wake up with the bus staring at you and a middle aged woman in tears next to you.

Anyway. I gotta head into Soho on the C2. Peace.