Believable Excuses That Work Because I Have Used Them - No.1

Where you are stuck for a reasonable excuse that will get you out of something that is 'long'.

Ahem.

"Oh, Natalie this is so fucked! I locked  Keys inside.

"I know, it's fucked"

New Law - Mugging.

If anyone tries to mug you and you fight them off and beat them up – you are allowed to take all their shit off them. Their wallet, their sneakers their watch – everything.

You are also allowed to talk like Tarantino wrote your dialogue while you do it without fear of being mocked by anyone around you.

New Law - Mugging Sec.445536728 Para.777886876

Where I Write A Reminder On The Back Of My Hand And Go Out Into The World For The Day Wearing It.

I Superpoked Osama Bin Laden

Everyone is on Facebook. Everyone!

The other day I typed in Osama Bin Laden and there he was. The CIA are slow with this digital age stuff. So I find Bin Laden (in 10 fucking minutes) and I send him a message:

Ozzie!

Hey what’s happening? Boy is everyone pissed at you (especially the people who make Jenga )! People say that blowing up those building was a bit on the heavy-handed side but, you know, I’m not into judgement (no one’s perfect) so I won’t stir up some old shit.

 I’ll tell you though, there are a lot of haters around that say that you didn’t even do it. The web is filled with peeps that are saying that Bush and his boys did it so that they could go get the oil out of Iraq. It might be an idea to knock those rumours on the head, man. You gotta squash that shit early – look what happened with Nas and Jigga! Almost two more dead rappers in the street. Why don’t you Skype someone and speak ya clout?

 Either.

“Nah man – that shit wasn’t on me.”

Or

“Hells yeah! We don’t need no water let the mother fucker burn!”

 Anyway, how’s Pakistan? Did you guys see Slumdog or did you flat-out boycott it because the whole India thing? See that’s what I mean about beef. It makes you miss out on some good shit! New York for example is FUN. A super great place to go and chill and now you kind of wrecked your chances there and NY got some of the hottest ladies in the world! But I bet you get lots of girls, right? Serious though – how do you tell them apart with those dresses on, man?  Do you just wait for them to speak or can you tell by their walks? Also, in your crib, how do you know if you got a picture of the right girl on the wall?

Aiight man – I gotta go my supervisor is mad nosey, man and he don't like me being on the Facebook too damn much when I'm at work "These orders aint gonna Process themselves, Geoff." He a bitch!

Hit me up!

Oliver

Suggestions for New Onomatopoeias

FELTCH.

Kentish Town Paint And Panel Launch Party Pics

So I launched the Blog with a party (I know-  so analogue right?). 

A few peeps turned up and we had a great time until Jasper (you know Jasper that graphic designer kid - with the bike) rocks up with this friend of his - I say friend but I think he just met him, like, on the way to the party or something. Anyway this 'friend' of Jaspers (you'd know Jasper if you saw him) starts making all these really crass remarks about the Monarchy. Saying that it's an outdated waste of tax-payers money and that Buckingham Palace (He called it Butt-fucking-ham Palace)  should be turned into housing for the homeless and a Lazer-Tag arcade.

Well Charlotte (you know Charlotte - that one girl who does her own Jewelry made out of other, older Jewelry) just flips and throws a glass of bubbles all over Jasper and this 'friend' of his. The party just stops and I'm thinking, "Oh great - this is just like when I launched my clothing line (I still have some Jodhpurs and a few tee-shirts left if anyone is keen) so I just start squealing at the top of my lungs and everytime I had to breathe in I would do it while huffing Amyl... Anyway, I came to about 3 hours later in the dark and everyone had left.

Apart from that the party was pretty good.

I know I’m getting old because… No.1

I know I’m getting old because I fall asleep on public transport a lot. This is embarrassing, dangerous and once or twice illegal.

It’s embarrassing because I’m not doing the night shift to earn a few extra bucks to put my kids through school so they can have a better life – a life without sacrifice. Not like my life where often, I would go to the fridge and there wouldn’t be any milk… So I’d have to write ‘get milk’ ON A LIST so that mum would buy it when she went to the shops next time.  

It’s embarrassing because I’m not out all night doing coke at A-list events with Peaches, Apple, Bookcase, Minute-hand and the other kids of famous parents who have now become famous by association and now all secretly wish they'd get dick Cancer or Oral AIDS or something so they could talk of their pain... since re-hab doesn't even make people blink anymore.

It’s embarrassing because my life is exhausting me and writing this is probably all I’ll do today.

It’s also dangerous. How many times have you heard that story where someone wakes up and their liver is gone and they have a Post-it-note stuck to their head telling them to call a doctor then they look down and they have a scalpel-made vagina cut into the side of their stomach? Lots... I have woken up once or twice with a post-it-note stuck to my head with the words, ‘your liver hates you’ written on it but never one that informs me my liver has been stolen – but that shit could happen to me if I keep falling asleep in public. Dangerous.

Also, I’m beginning to think that sleeping in public might be rude. I propose a new rule: Anything you do more than 80% in the privacy of your own home you don’t do in public.

Legality: It’s illegal because I get fierce 'Travellers'. I get hard-ons when I sleep on public transport. Last year I woke up in between to American tourists with my cock trying to bust through my pants. Put two teenaged girls in their place and I’m on the next episode of To Catch A Predator. 

It’s also not great when you have a hard-on and you have been mumbling “Come here you… Hold still…  No… Put the tennis ball back in your mouth." And you wake up with the bus staring at you and a middle aged woman in tears next to you.

Anyway. I gotta head into Soho on the C2. Peace.

 

Where I Write A Reminder On The Back Of My Hand And Go Out Into The World For The Day Wearing It.

The Bruce Willis Is The Comb Over For The Year 2009 - And The Rise Of THE COMET

Going bald is not the easiest thing for a man to face. It seems to change the shape of your head and for some reason women don’t go for bald dudes. There’s something in their genetic make up (which is not the same as genetic makeup – a woman with naturally red lips) that makes woman go for guys with hairy heads. I guess way back when our species was going through our awkward teenaged years there must have been some benefit for having a hairy dome-piece (maybe brain warmth). But in saying that out whole bodies were hairy and that is something that only a certain type of gay dude likes these days.

So without doing any research at all I am going to say that women like men with a full head of hair because most movie stars have a full head of hair and we as a society have been bullied into an aesthetic that we haven’t really had a say in and leave it there. 

There are always exceptions though. Ladies - Bruce Willis. 

He went through the various stages of his baldness and he was still humping Kutchers missus for the longest time back before she had to put a clothes peg on the back of her neck to keep her face from falling in her soup (to be fair she dumped him when he went FULL chrome. maybe it was just another mirror for her to see her fading looks in  - but a curved one that made her look grotesque and mocking.)

 So a lot of bald guys went for the Willis and just shaved the rest of it off. Seemed reasonable. Andre Agassi. Kelly Slater, that sexy guy who fetches the trolleys at Sainsbury’s in Camden to name three. But then this – “Shaving all your hair off is the comb over of the 2009.”  We all know what a comb over is. A way of crudely disguising what you don’t have. A dishonesty. And when you think about it, the Willis is a bit of an exercise in bullshit.

 So where does that leave the folic ally retarded? I think I have the answer.

 Ladies and gentlemen: THE COMET!

THE COMET is bald at the top and long at the back. Called THE COMET because it makes your dome look like a fast celestial streaker with a tail of space matter and lust gleaming behind it. It makes you look like you live life in a wind-tunnel with out paperweights to hold down you council tax bill etc. Dangerous.

I want to encourage men with pattern baldness to let THE COMET grow so it may scorch through our streets proudly and file the Willis under DONE – please email me any COMET sightings and I’ll post them here in observatory to blaze a trail for the guys who are watching their hair fall out in the shower and give them some hope… in lieu of pussy.

Things That Look Like Cock And Balls - No.1

This is the most superfluous line of copy ever written but I just think that photos without captions are like Chimps without cigars.

50 Short Stories Of 50 Words - No. 1

Training Yo Gibbon Like A Mutha-fuckin’ Gangsta!  

Training mature Gibbons be futile. But yo’ ass gots infant Gibbons?  Use a reward system. Mutha-fucka’ do somthin’ dope, give the bitch a fuckin’ orange or some-shits. The little mutha-fucka shit in yo' Lexus - whip ass till it don't.

I Raise Gibbons and I raise guns. Out!

Never Feed Them (Cock) After Midnight.

Portrait Animals In A Landscape Medium

Some animals  are portrait animals and some are landscape animals. Humans go through both at different stages of their lives but as I write this I am very much a Portrait animal. Giraffes are portrait animals from the moment they are born. I am no art expert but it seems to me that this artist has chosen the wrong canvas for the drawing of a Giraffe. He has chosen a train which is very much a landscape kind of canvas. 

I think that if I was a super hero I would choose a giraffe as my transport. I'd ride everywhere on the back of a huge Giraffe. Of course I'd Mad-Maxize the Giraffe up. Cover him in Leather and chains and maybe even some blades attached to his hooves - the type that cock fighters attach to their cocks. And I'd be on the back of him riding in to face my evil  nemesis or maybe just be riding to PaperChase on the Tottenham Court Rd to pick up some calligraphy pens and some thanks you cards (I'd get gifts from people for all the saving and the general helpfulness etc) or I'd ride him up to the heath early mornings and work on his endurance (I'm super he's just a mortal Giraffe) and it would be a sight to behold.

Now you're thinking, "Good one Oliver. You've chosen the gayest of all animals as your mount. You could keep adding blades to him like your worked for the design team at Gilette and it wouldn't make a shit of difference. What you need is something like Battle Cat - He-Mans mount - that pussy kicked arse! But you'd be wrong. 

Giraffes fight. So keep that in mind when you are calling certain wildlife gay. 

I'm pretty sure that, being a superhero on a giraffe I'll probably be adored. With adoration comes press interest and with press interest come image making. My official website would have a picture of me and my Giraffe on it for sure and would commission an oil painting as the main image. Now I'm no art expert but I know that the canvas will be portrait and not landscape... 

Unless I decide to ride a python instead.